Finding hidden gems

I hate this stage between Dad dying and the funeral, I’m constantly on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel like I’m coping, even forgetting everything that’s happened, then the next taken on an emotional sad tug.

Today I found this little drawing, Dad did it for mum when he was in the navy and mum was pregnant with me. Hence the name Boo and him as Yogi. It’s so sweet and shows a really caring side which I’ve not seen recently.

Anyway I’ve decided to put it on the back of the order of service.

I’m an orphan

Day 1 of being an orphan, it feels so strange. I find myself thinking oh I must see Dad, or when shall I go, I hope he’s ok. It is so strange, I know he wasnt the easiest of people and yes I’ve moaned once too often about him. But, Dad was a big part of my life and since stopping work he took up most of my time. What am I going to do?

Shall I go back to work?

How will I find a job?

Have I lost it?

Oh hell I hate this...... but everyone is being so kind, I’ve had so many offers of help, but there’s nothing anyone can do.

Time........

And now Dad

I couldn’t believe it could get worse but Dad has died. I’ll say it again because I can’t believe it, Dad is dead! Mum is dead!

I can’t believe it I’m in shock. 3 days after mums funeral on Christmas Eve Dad was rushed into hospital at 4pm  with pneumonia, we were told he was really ill and they had nearly lost him once, the Dr said it wasn’t very positive and prepare for the worse. But after 7 days I really believed he was getting better, I’d started moaning about how difficult all the plans for his return to home would be. I’d found a nursing home, was planning the moving of his stuff from the care home. I’d spent every day visiting, twice on Christmas Day but then yesterday decided to take a day off! Then this morning received a call saying he was agitated and come I visit him, I was actually on my way. At the hospital he was in a chair, for the first time, watching TV, but I could not understand a word he said, he was upset as he wanted to leave. He kept trying to stand up, but after 9 days with out food he was too weak.

Coming home after the visit I was planning again, planning that I would tell him I could only visit once a week, preparing to stand up to him and tell him about the new Nursing Home. And then, ....
While out enjoying an afternoon tea treat from Seb & Kim I had a phone call, the nurse said Dad had passed away........



I’m in shock...what do I say? What do I do? ..........

How will normal be?

My first thought was, at least that sorts out next weeks problem.....am I heartless, what a think to think.

I’ll really miss Dad, he was a big part of my life, yes I moaned, yes I said hurtful things about him not to him. But I loved him, he loved mum, he loved the boys and the babies.. he even loved me I know that he told me... love you lots he would say.......

Love you lots too Dad xxxxx