With life comes death

As I start this month celebrating Alex & Jazz's pregnancy and the thoughts and expectations of becoming a grandparent I'm faced with the reality my mums death is coming closer. In fact as I tap away at this blog I'm sitting next to the frail empty shell of my mum. 

Mum, Boo to her friends and loved ones, a lovely special lady who I love so dearly. Now the awful disease is taking her away from me, but to be honest she was taken away from us along time ago. The evil of Alzheimer's disease, taking away the person you love, leaving a withered shell, full of confusion, hickedly pickedly words, making no sense at all. 

Oh precious moments are still here, mum smiles, puckers up for a kiss, but it's the huge grin when you arrive, priceless.

Glam Ma Jinx ........

The next stage in the cycle of life, Alex and Jazz are having a baby....... I'm sooo excited, shocked, thrilled and OMG it's fantastic the family will go on, the legacy of Rich & I will continue, doing our bit for humanity.

To have a brand new tiny person join our family, wow.

But hang on when did I grow up enough, the reality of my own aging mortality is creeping home, nothing new I know that and it's not always about me. Well in my blog it is, that's the point of it. It's so beautiful to think your own flesh and blood is creating their own, and the thought of holding a tiny little person that's part of us.

So 7 months of excitement preparing for the big day, and getting used to the idea that I'm a Glam Ma and Rich is Grumps.

Beautiful boys

Another first today, we all went shopping for Alex's wedding suit, when I saw Alex & Seb in their suits together I burst into tears, OMG my boys are men! Not sure I'll have dry eyes through out the wedding, it will be a lovely occasion and moving. My baby boy as a man & husband, standing along side his big brother as best man. Oh well I'm sure it will be fantastic, another step in my life's journey.

Still to buy my outfit, I know the mother of the groom isn't as special as mother of the bride, but that's my roll, I always new that. But today was special, lovely and we did it all together. Priceless, I'm a lucky lady, I love them all to bits.

Blogs and house plants

Blogs and house plants! I'm so bad after looking after both, but they are both quiet, don't ask anything of me, it would help if they would shout and ask to be fed. So here I am lying on another hotel bed on my own, I'm in Dublin for the next two days with work then off to Belfast. Getting kinda sick of being away all the time, it certainly makes the weeks go quickly, but that's because I'm living for the weekend.

So another year another Eurovision and OMG how I used to love Engelbert Humperdink, when I was 8 yrs old but now! No way. What has the Eurovision sunk to, it's not bad enough we loose but don't send a very old CONNIE out to represent us. I will have to watch to see the mess unravel, might be entertaining, no hang on, I've got a life, I'm just. Owning in the para above I don't get much time off, why waste it on the Eurovision.

What's worse is I'm blogging about it, oh shut up Jacky

I've failed

Oh so what was going to be so easy, offering your home & life to your patents, so there life was easier and in the reach of everyone that loved them. But, hey some people don't want that, guess their afraid of giving in, letting others care for them, perhaps admitting that they are now not the big man they once were.

So as you can guess it all went wrong! What started slowely as let's look at the options, explore the benefits well this sales women failed to sell ice to Eskimos this time. Dad was having none of it. He started in a huge negative bubble which just grew and grew, even if I agreed I was wrong, if I disagreed I was so wrong, there is a point when you go ok but hey that wasn't even enough for him. He had to say such hurtful things that I had listened to on too many occasions, I'm selfish, take too much interest in my job and wasted my time with not offering any help to him and he didn't know why I was there. Quote "I don't know why you bothered coming, you haven't done anything you said you would, all your interested in is your job and shopping, you should not of come". So all the shopping to buy mums clothes at his request, packing and sorting wardrobes, clearing the loft, cooking, cleaning, washing etc etc if that's me being selfish then it's time to say goodbye. Every conversation is an argument, but I didnt bite, I kept my mouth shut, but heard too much.

I just kissed him and said " you've hurt someone who loves you for the last time, goodbye"

But as I now sit in a hotel room crying my eyes out all I can remember is mum, her confused
face and asking why I was leaving, I kissed her and said I loved her and would see her again"
She will be upset, but tomorrow not remember, she won't even know who I am, that's a stab in the heart, she asked me today if I had any babies!!

BuT the memory will stay with me forever, as I try and type this through blurred tears I just hope that one day I will be able to take care of her, even if she doesn't know who I am, I will know.


At least type doesn't smudge from tears xxxxx

Next challenge

Well it's time to fly over to the states, pack mum & dad up and bring them home. It isn't going to be easy, and dad is finding Every excuse under the sun not to come home, but he do needs to be cared for. I totally understand that he feels it's giving in, resigning yourself that you are actually old, but I get so worried about them on their own. It's not going to be roses, and the next few months, years are going to be expensive and hard, but at least we will all be together. Oh and just as Rich and I were enjoying our time together.

Mum bless doesn't understand, I'm abit nervous of taking her on the plane, I will have to help her relax with a little drug therapy.

So fingers crossed, pull up those flight socks and get on with the job in hand.

Ohhhhh dear xxxxxxx

I feel like poo!

Yet another cold come flu, whatever. I'm sick of feeling poo, I slept all da yesterday, that's the first time in ages that I've stayed in bed, just felt terrible and could not drag myself out of bed. It's amazing that when your unwell how you can just snuggle up in bed and let the world pass you buy, and you don't care.

We still have masses of snow, and now it's snowed again the snow has been snowed on, it's so cold that when you walk on the snow it's crunchy, not crisp and soft, all hard and Icey!
I think I would like to be a bear and hibernate all winter, especially as bears hibernating dont need the loo. Now that would be fab, never getting up in the night to go to the loo.

Oh well guess I'm stuck as a human and will have to snuggle on sofa with hubbie instead, oh he's asleep all ready :(